Moments to rethink your existence

It's overwhelming.

I've never been to SE Asia, I hope to get there in march.
But most of the close friends I made in AIESEC were from Asia.
India, Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand, Sri Lanka.
People full of energy, life, positiveness and an amazing way to look at what life can teach you.

After the Dec. 26th events, the awful feeling inside my heart, beating fast, not knowing who was there, who was affected, where were my friends... it has made me realize how fragile we are and how much we need to support each other, every day, no matter where you are.

I saw one of the videos posted in the nomadone page, and then I read Saki's first hand story.
At first it was just a way to feed my curiosity, the typical sensationalist latin american media coverage that has made us be so cold hearted when it comes to human tragedies.

After reading this, talking to others, reading the grief, the miracle stories and how when its time to die... we can do nothing against it.

If this happened to me, could I have said "God, you owe me nothing, I owe you nothing, I had a wonderful life, do as you please" could I!?
I think not.

Not because I am afraid to die, but because I know, I can do better.
Unfinished business.
If God decided it was not my time to leave, and I had a second opportunity to live... what would be differente. I can think of many things.

Ask for forgiveness to people I have hurt, make sure friends and family know each day I love them, live life as if it was the last day... take more risks, laugh more, stress less, speak out, speak loud, dance more, forget my uncertainties and take the chance of falling in love, read my favorite books again, and give thanks to God that I am alive and healthy one more day...

Ohhh how often we forget that! breathing, living, having house, food and a family.

This events make me think my existence, I am really living to my fullest potential? am I.... so many things.

2004 Remembrance

The afternoon is finally a little quiet.
Ana Paola is finally taking her nap after an intense day of ball chasing, running and playing.

We are 5 days before another year ends.
If I could back into my last 5 years of life, I could say each year has had its interesting side:

2000 - the "liberation" year. I turned 18, entered university, entered AIESEC.
2001 - the professionally challenging year
2002 - the "let's get wild" year
2003 - a tough year, the toughest year in my life
2004 - harvesting my crops...

I have been blessed. I have a wonderful life.
Even when the random existencial, human hater days come back to life, I have more than I deserve. God has given me the opportunity to make it up for my mistakes and take 100 more great lessons and learning points from them.

I have an amazing family, that loves me and cares for me.

I have a wonderful daughter that grows each day and brightens every single morning of my life. Without her, I would be incomplete. She is my devotion. The light of my eyes.

I have a cool job, with a good salary that challenges me every day and does not let me get bored.
I have been able to buy my own apartment, and make plans for it.

I have great friends, old and new, whom I have learned to trust, love and appreciate.

I've got time to read good books, enjoy moments of laughter, watch sunsets and sunrises

In 22 years of life, I have been to 22 different countries. And already have plans to include 5 more in my list for next year.

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New year resolutions are approaching soon... but I wanted to go back and appreciate how amazing 2004 was and thank God, for letting me have the opportunity of living it, despite how complex the day to day life can be (hey! that is what makes it interesting after all)

How crappy can it get!?

I've been analyzing my personal life for the last months.
In an attempt to get to know myself, explore my opportunities and develop my mother skills, I decided to put my personal/love life OFF for a while.

Talking to Suzanne, we realized we have been pathetic little weasels (together with 30 other females I have had communication with for the last months), because always our first question becomes something like: "so, what´s new in life" and for some reason, in both our lives... there always remains: "babe, I met this amazing guy..." and 5 days later: "but he turned out to be a jerk"

Why can't we just say... "Hey, I had a random fling with this guy, but not interested in him"...
Nope... we have to go all the way and start talking about love, commitment, relationships... ayayay.
So we are left with no random flings, no bitching around, and look like lame emotional females looking for someone to appreciate them.
Relationships are too complex. But we are not!!!!! :)

And the ones you really like... they turn out to like your best friends, like dating divorced women, are engaged or married, are gay, are enjoying their revolutionary freedom, etc!

its time for our own turnaround... I invite women to become part of




It's up to you!

Time to walk away

5 years of my life just ended.

1 week ago I took a decision, that has made me start walking into a different direction.
I left AIESEC and all my involvement in it for good.

I got the "invitation" to get actively involved again. And when I mean actively involved, it means, becoming a member, prepare conference, do recruitment, everything.
The idea was exciting. I was seriously thinking of doing it.

It was tough sometimes to see the way AIESEC was heading and not be able to do nothing real about it. To think of those times, where you would stand up in a plenary, working group, etc., and speak up and everyone would listen and take your advice into account. And come now, as an alumni, and not be able to do anything.

A wise word and a pitiful circumstance brought me to my senses:

"AIESEC will exist, with or without you"

The circumstance was a shameful politics play, struggle of power and personal resentfulness behind what seemed a good idea to put things in place.

Right there, at that moment, I knew it was over. I had finally shut the door, windows and holes I had made during 5 years. Decided to take a break and follow my own way, the road I had to pave, the dreams AIESEC made me dream and that now it was time to follow the yellow path to them.
I'm not accepting any more AIESEC offers, until I can close all the chapters in my mind and heart. Until all the memories, ideas, sorrows and wishes are stored and healed.
I only need the people that walked with me, the rest... will exist... with or without me.

When I am ready to come back as someone inspiring enough, I will... for the moment, I'll live.

Kindred Spirits

There is always a person in your life, with whom you can relate in almost anything you say, think or do, is like if your lives are synchronized and when you talk to each other you can go something like:

- "Dude, you can't imagine what happened to me"
- "Really? tell me, I have something to tell you as well"
- Blah,blah, blah...
- No shit!!!! me too!!!!

I swear... it happens all the time. Doesn't matter if the topic is work, random thoughts, way of living and the most usual... love life. He seem to have the same topics going on in our mind and lives. Its funny because we live 5,000 miles away, we talk at least twice a month and it seems our stars are aligned.

To one of the most amazing people I met, and definitely, the only kindred spirit I have ever found.

Internationalism never dies

It seems that once you are used to do something, be with someone or think something, its hard to make it different or to one fine day change it all.

During my AIESEC time, I got used to talking to internationals, being with internationals, talking in an international language all the time, and getting used to accepting differences, cultures, enjoying, asking questions, giving answers, etc.

Things haven't changed.
The international community in El Salvador is small. We don't have much tourism (yet!), however we have that random world called consultancies.
In TACA, we have our own internal strategic development department, formed primarily by former Bain & Co. employees, plus the normal international Bain Consultants, in other multinational and big national companies, they also have consultants, from other companies, and this results in a very varied group of people.

South africans, australians, mexicans, germans, canadians, new zealanders, peruvians, very few from the US, probably just 1 or 2.
Guess who has made new friends!!

Christmas shopping dilemma

Given my new social and economic situation, it was time for me to be willing to give to others a little of my own.
This is the whole sense of the Christmas spirit right? to give and forget about the material things you have and just be willing to share them and the happiness of giving with others...

Making the count... since last year, I now have, 1 daughter, 3 more siblings and 2 more parents. Summed with the usual... it makes a total of 4 parents, 4 siblings, my god parents, Ana Paola's godparents and father, and a daughter. 12 gifts in total.

I hate shopping, I really do, and I really don't like gift shopping, I never know what to buy.
At the end, mission was accomplished... but it was so damn expensive...!!! :P

Now my Christmas feeling of giving is suffering in my credit card's pocket... and the bills expected to come.

But as if I hadn't had enough... I went yesterday to the "midnight shopping" nights... I had to get my parents gifts... and looking over stuff.. hahahah I got out with a dishwasher machine, a clothes drying machine and a kitchen oven!
I was ready to spend $50 in presents... and went out with a $800 dollar deal payable in the next 5 months! :P

So much for Christmas savings!!! :)

It's not worth it

As time passes by, and we start to get old
it seems the harm done is a bigger burden than the years passed by
That is why I want my years to be spent with you, my eternal love
next to my family, my friends and the ability to speak up.

Because I am worth nothing, because I have nothing
if I don't have the best: love and company in my heart

A year later is much more worth than a century completely empty
its much worth to have my heart, filled with love till it bursts
That is why I want that in my mind, your love holds strong and still
even if we are far or close to coming to and end.

Because love...
I feel weak when I'm not with you
and I get strong when you are near
Without you I can't remember how to live
my life is a tunnel without your love
I want to spend more time with you
recover all those nights I lost
and lose the inmense fear to die
and live forever next to you.

If I could stop time and start again
I would erase everything that one day made so much harm
I would erase the hatred, the sorrow and one by one all those sad times,
and I would draw your love in its place.

Because I am worth nothing, because I have nothing
if I don't have the best: love and company in my heart.

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I can already imagine Digs comment: "what the $@#$%^ is wrong with this girl..." :)
This is the translation of my currently favorite song.
The song in spanish is called: "Nada valgo sin tu amor" by Juanes.
Worth the download. The music makes you get goosebumps. The lyrics in spanish are definitely inspiring.

A nice random laugh!

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool
their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes
back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy
misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back
pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What
happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a
pinata?

To be or not to be

I went with my father to this small restaurant a little bit off the beaten path in San Salvador. I love to go there because there is always "old" live music on saturdays, and that is my favorite type of music when I feel like "chilling out".

Its 2 guys in their 60s with guitars and mellow voices, playing songs written between the 30s and the 80s by all those romantic latin composers that would live for their crowds in dodgy bars in the streets of Mexico, Buenos Aires, Bogota, Caracas, etc. during the golden years of this cities.

But still now, those songs represents the mere essence of romanticism in Latin America.

I was there listening... and my mind got into a million thoughts...

Human relationships are complex.
I saw myself there, dancing like that couple, after what... 25, 40 years of marriage, still deeply in love with the man I chose.
And in some part of my brain, that thought didn't make too much "click" in today's world.

It seems neither men, nor women are looking that far away in time. Everything is short term, and long term is only used in excel spreadsheets and it normally doesn't involve more than 5 years.

You have desperate romantics, falling in love with love and with every other person that crosses in the middle.
You have sceptics filling their life with work, assuming that will fill their need for love or company and some one-night-stand their need for physical closeness.
There is always that weird couple that met when they were 18, now they are married, have 2 children (because more is collective suicide) and live in the suburbs and work in a family owned shop.
And every day, you hear people telling you as if it was a great secret, after 4 beers and 2 shots of tequila... "I feel lonely" (and then they try to get in your pants)

What will happen?
I am not quite sure... but it sure would be interesting to look at myself 30 years from now, and see if I will be dancing to those songs that after a 100 years, still put mellow feelings in their listener's hearts.

What relaxing sceneries can make

It's only 5:30 pm, but as summer and the dry season is here, evenings are longer, and days become shorter. The sun starts to set at around 5:30, in 20 minutes, everything gets dark.



I am in the car, listening to a guy called John Meyer or something like it, really chill out music. Loved it. We are watching the sunset as we descend from the mountains, you see random cars passing us by, but nothing seems to disturb us.

Weather is nice, probably around 16ºC or so... you can see the ocean line at the end, while the pink and orange clouds fill the horizon with its majesty. Nobody says a word, we just listen and let our minds vaguely think of unimportant things.

10 hours of sleep, couldn't replace the sense of relaxed emotions I felt during this 1 and a half hour trip. Conversation re-starts as the night comes in. But it turns into a very superficial, "lets-just-kill-the-silence" conversation. It's ok, we are keeping the driver awake. But we all felt a piece of paradise during one moment of the day.

Doing Some internal tourism

1087697090, originally uploaded by beatrizgb.

A good friend of mine invited me to go with her mexican boyfriend and some of his friends to lunch at a place out in the countryside, near to the mountains and volcanoes in the west side of the country.

I hadn't been there in years, so I knew some fresh air wouldn't be bad.

I had forgotten what the beauty and peacefulness of some places can bring to you mind.

I am a Squiggle (with a Rectangle)

I was reading through my friend's weblogs, on my weekly weblog update... I hadn't read Nacho's in a while though.
I found a very interesting post, about Psychogeometrics or something like it (Science Of Understanding People, And The Art Of Communicating With Them) according to that, and at the end I found a link that said:

Click here to take the test

Curiosity beat me and I took it. The results were quite imppresive,

I am a squiggle with a rectangle combination.

I could say, that in a 90% they do represent my way of working and doing things. Here goes the excerpt of it:

THE SQUIGGLE/RECTANGLE COMBINATION

At work: You are a true change agent. You get bored doing repetitive, routine work. You need variety in your work that allows you to "switch gears" often. Since you are primarily a right-brained thinker, you see the "big picture" and are more interested in "Why" than in "How".

You are not detail-oriented; you are conceptual, creative, and intuitive. You are the idea person on the team. You love to brainstorm solutions to complex problems and you are very good at this. You are bright and a quick-thinker. In fact, it's difficult for you to "turn off your brain"--even in sleep. You often awaken at night when pondering over a work problem.

Personally, you are totally up-front, honest, and outspoken in your communication. You have an endearing "childlike" quality that draws others to you. You cannot tell a lie. You are very spontaneous and will say whatever is on your mind, even if it is not "politically correct." Because you are critical of upper management, you will be an individual contributor.

Your saving grace is your quick-witted sense of humour. However, when riled, you can be extremely sarcastic. Although you can deliver a brilliant performance when you are challenged, you can also be very disorganized, erratic, and undependable. You dislike paperwork and all forms of rules and regulations that you consider result from a management need to "control."

Your desk looks like a hurricane hit it and you have paper strewn all over the floor.
However, you know where everything is, so it doesn't bother you.

Your work habits are poor, but others forgive you and call you the "brilliant weirdo" in the back office. You prefer totally casual clothes and would wear your pyjamas to work if you could get away with it. You have a "flare for the dramatic". You are very "arty" and love avant garde theatre, art and music.

At leisure: What leisure? You are very project-oriented, both at work and at home. You work full-throttle, day and night, until you become bored. You may have many half-completed projects lying around. Somewhere in the mess is a brilliant innovation that could make you a millionaire, but you can't seem to get organized enough to find it. You are likely to live alone unless you find that perfect "Circle" person who will put up with your eccentric behaviour.

Talking straight... Lately, you have NOT been yourself! Something has happened, causing you to question yourself. You are going through a difficult period right now. Your choice of the Rectangle indicates that you are in transition. You are experiencing great internal changes. You may feel that the old ways of behaving (as described above) are not working for you anymore. But...you do not yet know how to fix the problem. You are searching, questioning, exploring and generally feeling confused and frustrated.

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Interesting.... hahaha any comments!?

The housewife in me!

The day my apartment is finished is coming soon.

As days pass by, holidays come in, and SALEs all around the globe start, I find myself thinking...
- "What is better, wet cold or dry cold refrigerator?"
- "Is a 12lb. washing machine enough?"
- "I should start collecting all this supermarket stamps and then exchange them for a frying pan"

Its funny how you start thinking in stuff like this. Specially considering this is not a random place I will live in for just a couple of months, its MY piece of space, that I will pay for the next 15 years or so... probably I won't live in it all that time... but hey... its the excitement of something you own and you can do with it, whatever you want, in your own style and with your own definition of comfort.

When will you have this opportunity again!?

Life: take it as it comes!

Lack of inspiration.

I have been a little quiet this past days.
At the beginning it was just the catching up I had to do after 2 weeks absent from the office.

But now, work is done, just routine stuff coming up, and I have lost my writing inspiration.
I feel like writing, but I really don't know exactly what.

I have lost my inspiration. Where has it gone?
I am seeking to find it, my muse is alone...
sitting in a dark corner, struggling to come out
I have lost my inspiration, and the spirit to fly...